Dream House

My Dream House! What are the chances?

Another New Day

Enough of sentimentality. But even a little of that helps. The underwear and T-shirt have been burned. I saved the logo from the Michcon T-shirt as a memento. Why not. I’ll add it my box of junk, along with the Valentine card I got from my 13 year old boyfriend (when I was almost 16!. .or was it almost 17!), and a few of Hugh’s sketches and poems, a few wedding pictures.

Today, I took the dog for a walk down 14th Avenue and down Lover’s Lane, a lovely country road. I could get used to living in the country. There’s a little wooden house beside a picturesque babbling brook for sale. I’ve decided I want it. Two bedrooms, 800 some odd square footage, a deck all around, and in the woods. It has two bedrooms, one bath, and a fireplace. Looks like it has some picture windows all around as well. The creek is beautiful! On the other side of the road, I let Cola go down and play in the water. He loves creeks!

I looked up the price and it’s 119,000. Maybe I’ll keep an eye on the price as I work on my credit history. Just for fun. I haven’t seen the inside yet. A week or so ago, I took a walk over to this little house, and since it seemed no one was home, I decided to walk down (the driveway appears to be a level above the home, with steps down the the deck above the creek). So, I snuck around to the side of this little house with Cola, and two enormous white dogs banged with their paws on the window and barked like mad. Scared the piss out of me. I booked out of there. Today, there were two cars in the parking lot.

I guess I’ll have to wait for a realtor to show me.

Read Andy Douglas’s essay on Celibacy in the City. A great essay, one I could identify with. I’m excited about going to the work shop in Iowa next weekend with some great writer friends who I’ve not seen in years. I’ve been dicking around with sentences in my own essay to be workshopped while I’m there. Looking forward to having an intelligent audience to share it with, especially Judy, who I haven’t talked to in ages.

Plenty to look forward to. I quit smoking again today. The days I smoke, I feel terrible and get high blood pressure readings. At 46 and 160 lbs, I need to let that go too.

I must take 12 points worth of walks before the Weight Watchers meeting on Tuesday. I went over my extra 35 points. 12 points of moderate walks will take me 6 hours. Two one hour walks a day. How hard can that be. I did it all the time for the last five years.

Sentimentality

A moment of sentimentality. Here’s 3 quotes/poems.

This is part of letting go too isn’t it? Ah, it’s a process.

There’s one sad truth in life I’ve found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand. ~Emily Kimbrough

Some people come into our lives
and leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never ever the same.
~Flavia Weedn

Okay, back to letting go later: tonight, we burn the underwear!!

Letting go!

Letting go of my addictions, the worst of them being men and cigarettes, is hard. I can do it, no problem, but I tend to take them back again. I’ve quit smoking about 6 times in the last month. I quit again today. There’s no question about it, addictions can make you SICK!! (perhaps why I didn’t feel well for six weeks a while back?). I feel confident that I’m done with the cigarettes. I also quit the AH, and I’m 100 percent confident I’m done with him too. Just to make sure, I’ve decided to ceremoniously bury him: I have his t-shirt and underwear, I threw the flowers and condoms away last week. . .that’s it, no other mementos, not even a picture. So, Emma is coming over and we will burn the T-shirt and undies in the backyard tomorrow. Maybe I’ll throw in a pack of cigarettes. Maybe this blog entry.

I’ve also let go of the AH about 17 times. This time, I’m trying to figure out what I have to do differently to make sure I don’t look back. So, the ceremony. I’m also reading up on Letting Go: Here’s what I’ve learned:

–Dr. Phil says you can’t just say no, you must say hell no! So, I’ll work on that.
–don’t beat yourself up. Ok
–Focus on yourself. I have no problem doing that.
–life is not a “success only” journey. Okay, but if it weren’t such a series of failures it’d be easier.
–Trust in the nature of time. That’s a hard one.
–Make connections with new people. So is that.
–holding on is a drain. Letting go is effortless.

Oh, there’s a lot more: take care of myself, make plans, move forward, all that stuff. There’s a ton of stuff on the internet about letting go. The biggest one I read somewhere is not to listen to the noise in my head, which can get pretty noisy. I can’t necessarily stop it, but I can ignore it. Noise, noise, noise.

Not sure what else to do different: self-help books? therapy? I’m not sure the situation deserves all this attention, but if it helps me to STAY let go, then. . .

So, today, the asshole is dead . . . tomorrow buried (or burned). It won’t be quite the funeral Hugh had, but it’ll be appropriate. Funny, I used to have so much trouble letting go of Hugh. I stopped drinking and stopped Hugh. Now, Hugh is REALLY dead. No danger of taking him back.

I’ll work on forgiving the AH later, though for the most part, there is nothing to forgive. Time to give myself break.

Above all else, I must remember: Time wounds all heals.

Here’s a good one:

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
– Lao Tzu
–